The two Muslim women said: “Only Scholars are able to determine what a scriptural passage means”

Surely that means handing our own power over to other people who are supposed to be experts in the accurate translation of the scripture and failing to fulfill our own responsibility of following our conscience.

1. We are choosing not to question something that absolutely needs to be questioned.
2. We are making the assumption that the scholar we are delegating to and trusting this task with is a man who has the beliefs, values and morals that will ensure a fully accurate and authentic translation.

If he is a man who believes that women who are perceived to be disobedient should be punished until obedient, (remember the meaning of the word ‘disobedient’ is determined by him,) then he will translate the scripture in a way that is aligned with his own personal beliefs.

Throughout history people have been using quotes from scriptures to judge and condemn others and not searching (or praying) to really understand what it is that is really meant.

Maybe we should first ask the questions –

• When was the revelation given?
• What was happening at that time in history and how then does that revelation relate to us now in this era?
• When these revelations were given, what was a woman’s status in society compared to what it is now?

Those two women happily ‘educating’ children about the scriptural interpretation of passages in the Koran, would form part of the community response to a disclosure of family violence.

My concern is that they would dismiss the woman’s concerns and urge her to go back to her violent husband, putting her (and her children) at further risk.

Their beliefs that it is the husband’s responsibility to take corrective measures for a wife he believes has been disobedient, would leave a victim of family violence with nowhere to go – except back to the husband for more “corrective” measures.

The need to belong to a community is a strong driving force when seeking security and comfort in a crisis.

Sometimes the fear of becoming isolated from the community and what it represents is a stronger factor in the decision to stay, overriding the fear of the violence from her husband. Identity is attached to our connections to our tribe (community) and our beliefs, values and morals.

Even though we know that the husband’s violence is wrong, the problem is that “by leaving him I would violate my religious beliefs, my values and my morals, which form a strong part of my identity”.

It is more likely that the motivating force behind a woman in this situation finally leaving her violent husband is her overriding protective instinct towards her children – a woman will ultimately do anything to keep her kids safe from harm.

The interesting part about all of this is that the woman is doing everything to check herself and her alignment with her beliefs, values and morals along this path, and it is only when she starts to realize that it is her husband who is the violator and that is something outside of her control, is she free to leave.

The problem is not the discussion about the scriptures condoning “measured” punishment of a disobedient wife, it is the fact that a man who believes he has been given the right to coerce obedience from his wife is the same one who determines what constitutes “disobedience” in his mind.

The word “disobedience” in the mind of an abuser who is seeking to punish by using his brute force can become a weapon in and of itself. What needs to be addressed is the belief that behaving that way is OK.

Family violence exists in all faiths and non-faiths. It is an issue that is common to us all. Making it about religion is simply a distraction to divert attention away from self and my beliefs, values and morals. Family violence is something we all need to be concerned about and that we need to address in a collaborative way – regardless of religious, racial, cultural or any other differences that we think might stand in the way.

Scriptural point scoring is creating a new problem. This attack on a religion and its scriptures, while choosing to overlook the core problem that is common to all, serves only to widen the chasm between us. When it becomes “them and us”, tribal forces kick in and the veil of secrecy is put up in order to protect the tribe from another external attack.

If there is another disclosure of family violence it will be kept within the tribe, shutting down the possibility of external assistance that is appropriate to the women’s and children’s needs. We will hear less and less about those disclosures. We are creating a new problem, instead of solving a problem that has plagued mankind as a whole throughout history.

Perpetrators of violence the whole world over exert control through instilling fear in the people they are trying to control – and it can work for a while, but it is NEVER sustainable.

Finally their victim will risk even death to escape – we see this in the huge refugee population globally – people risking everything to flee from dictatorships, oppression, civil war, ethnic “cleansing” and we see it in the refuges that women and children flee to when escaping from family violence.

Family violence originally started at the family level but does not stay behind closed doors, even though we may try to hide it there.

The resultant effects of family violence make their way out into society and affect everyone – in schools, in the workplace, in Australians favourite sports – in the way we believe it is acceptable to treat one another.

You may not be part of the statistic stating one in three women are affected by family violence, but I guarantee that family violence is already affecting you through friends, family, employers, Police or Lawyers or Judges, Politicians, Doctors ….. I can go on and on ….. It’s in every profession, in every social class. It is not just a gender problem, it is an attitude and behaviour problem.

Family Violence is not a popular or easy topic, but it is a necessary one.

Let’s start talking after we clear away the “tribal” barriers that stand in the way of genuinely honest discussion. Instead of pointing the finger outward (which is the habit of perpetrators of violence), let’s point the finger inward and ask what can I do to help resolve this problem? The answers will come when we ask the right questions.